My Immortal
by gurrlife
Summary: My Commentary on My Immortal, the worst fic in the world.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz **(Why can't she just say thanks like a normal person?"**(get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way)**(wasn't thinking like that.) raven**, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling **(I don't think she helped that much)**. U rok! Justin **(Bieber?) **ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!** (Okay then)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**(Either your parents were high when they named you or they really hate you.)**and I have long ebony black hair **(ebony and black are the same thing.)**(that's how I got my name) **(because every child is born with that kind of hair.)** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **( don't care.) **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **( I wish I could.)**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **(Incest!)**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **(How would you feed? You would die, wait scratch that, die!)**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, **(A witch and a vampire? Well then I'm a unicorn and a shark that eats fruit loop and poops rainbows!) ** and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(Scotland.)**where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)**(*sarcastic voice*Nope I totally couldn't)** and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic **(Not a Goth store.)**And I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets **(Hot topic doesn't sell that stuff)**and black combat boots **(thanks for ruining those for me!)** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation **(I thought you were pale.)**, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(OMG, did you hear there is this word call SLEET, which means snow and rain.)**so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**(Remember kids if someone you don't know looks at you, stick the middle finger up at them.)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up** (where were you looking before?)**. It was…. **(Suspenseful line break!)**Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(SHY! SHY! Have you seen the movies or read the books come on!)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(*sarcastic voice* Best line ever!) **

AN: IS it good** (No)**? PLZ tell me fangz!

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><p>There you have it. Chapter one. 43 left to go.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps **(It's not just the preps, Hun its everyone.)** stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom.**(really? Lucky I usually wake up at school.)** It was snowing and raining again.**(SLEET)** I opened the door of my coffin**(how do you know it's sleeting outside when you can't se the window?)** and drank some blood from a bottle I had **(OMG no way!)**. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink **(What is it with this chick and pink?)** velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears,**(Really I put my earrings through my fingers.)** and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**(In a kind of a messy bun. Is it or is it not a messy bun, make up your mind.)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**(Save it till the end)** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes **(Whoa hold the phone, so this lady just woke up flipped her hair and THEN open her eyes!)**. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(I don't care what you're wearing.)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(Why did you blush?)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. **(You so do that's why you blushed.)**

"Yeah right!" **(This chick gets it.)**she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(It would be awkward to be her friend right now.)**

"Guess what." he said. **(You got a puppy?)**

"What?" I asked. **(I guess you could guess say what,)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(really awkward to be her friend right then.)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.**( As I was stabbed by Willow and I dropped dead and every thing went back to normal and all the Harry Potter Fandom did a dace and burn her body. The end.)**

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><p><strong>That chapter was shorter than the first coming to at 255 words before my comments. Thank to Kyarra Iyono for the review. Go Canda<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!**(I will when you write it out properly.) ** odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!**(They're the one's giver the bad reviews.)** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

**(Please don't give us a description of your clothes!)**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front** (Lace.)**. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky** (you mean feathered.)**. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists** (My friend died of doing that!)** I read a depressing book **(I bet you 50 bucks it's Twilight.)** while I waited for it to stop bleeding**(No bandaged?)** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS** (do you mean it was thick or it was every where?)** of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.** (Thanks)** I drank some human blood **(Where did she get it….?) **so I was ready to go to the concert. **(Remember to be ready for a concert you have to drink human blood.)**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.** (Since when has he had a flying car?)** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(Not where I'm from… Earth.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(How do you say that depressingly?)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 **(Not a legal license plate number.)**) and flew to the place with the concert. **(You flew with the concert.) **On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs** (Let's all do drugs and drive**.**)** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco,** (Someone doesn't want to get laid.)** pointing to him as he sung, filling the club **(what happened to the mosh pit?)** with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(You just said someone else was hot when you are on a date.)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **(She's thick as a ditch.)**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Okay Then.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.** ( A face can't be blonde.)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **(Just some.) **and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees **(Don't care.) ** Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **(You where that wasted?) **but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **( he's going got screw you.)**

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><p><strong>Chappie three! Have fun with life. (Not too much fun.)<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok** (And I said NO!)** ebony's name is ENOBY **(I like how she was trying to make a point but she spelled the character's name wrong!) **nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!**(*Coughs* Mary Sue*)** dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"** (He's driving to the ForbiddenForest; didn't you read the last chapter?)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it **(what else was he going to do? Wait… never mind.) **I walked out of it too, curiously.** (How do you walk curiosly?)**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(So now she's angry and curious, how is the possible?)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close **(Hear that guys he leaned ****_extra-close._****)** and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **(Wow cool, my eyes are just light grey, but they can shoot lasers)** and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… **(Suspenseful line break.)**Suddenly just as **(As you what!)** Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.**(How do you get on top of someone when you're against a tree?)**He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.**(That's what you do when you have sex.)** Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(Did you fail Sex Ed?)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **(Bad ass Dumbledore is here!)**

It was….Dumbledore! (Ha. Ha. Ha. *Slow clap*)

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><p>I'm losing Brain cells.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam**(What's a flam?)** it menz ur a prep or a posr!**(I'm a Tomboy/Nerd and I'm flaming)** Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache **(Remember, Kids you can swear if but only if you have a headache!)**ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**(I must be mistaken but to my understanding there is another chapter after this one.)**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. **(I shout at people lovingly.)**

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood **(You should see a doctor about that.) **down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(You did just have sex in the ForbiddenForest.)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the ForbiddenForest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(How else do you yell?)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **(Because they're horny teenagers that's why.)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**(If you're ever in troubled just shriek BECAUSE I LOVE HER! And everything will turn out fine) **

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(Just because you love her its fine you just screwed in the forest. My teacher's would say something else.)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **(No because the sex was that bad.)**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out…. **(Suspense)**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom,**(How did he get into the girl's dorm..)** and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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><p><strong>There is another chapter. Thanks to Kyarra for her support. You rock!<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

AN: shjt up prepz** (I'm not prep so… Ha)** ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **(I won't give you a good review until you can spell.)**

The next day I woke up in my coffin **(School) **I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black** (I'm wearing clothing.)**. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.** (WTF you spray paint your hair!)**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **(I don't think that's Goth cereal.)** with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood** (Red blood? I thought blood was purple!)**. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **(Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha)**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily **(Anger much.)**I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(here we go again with the description of clothing.)** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses **(how do you know he had glasses?) **anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's **(Dose everyone in this fic have red eyes, or eyes like limpid tears?)**and there was no scar on his forhead anymore** (How did she know that?)**. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden **(They man she called super sexy when she was on her date with Draco.)**. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection **(….)**only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(what's sick is that you just had sex with a guy last night and now you're crushing on another guy, can you say SLUT.)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.** (*Sigh* again with the shy)**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned. **(That should be asked, questioned just sounds like you're torturing him.)**

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **(Why is he grumbling?)**

"Why?" I exclaimed. **(Okay I'm done with this chapter.)**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled** (Come on 'giggled' He 'giggled' are you making everyone in this fic Gay?)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed. **(You just met him, why are you confessing to him.)**

"Really?" he whimpered. **(Whimpered? That sounds like he's a kicked puppy.)**

"Yeah." I roared. **(What are you a lion or something?)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(Oh come on. Any chapter that ends with that means there's going to be badly written sex next chapter!)**

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><p><strong>Thanks to Kyarra for just being an awesome person! Virtual cookie for you!<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviews **(suuuuure**). n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN **(I guess she struggled a little with kindergarten)** god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony **(That's a new one! Now it's Ebony/Eboby/Enony/Enoby/Eyony) **isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **( I have no hope for the future of humanity.)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs **(you held your own hands when you went up the stairs? Okay then…)**. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)**(Yess)**. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes** (Okay then.)**. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco **(So he is in love with Draco? Welcome to Tara land kids!) **. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…** (Suspenseful lines break which really isn't needed in the story…)**

We started frenching passively** (You mean passionately, passive means accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance.)** and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **(Ow) **and he took off his pants **(Didn't you say up there that you took off each other's clothes?)**. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **(you have a 'boy's thingy') **and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **(Yes very stupid)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm **(I thought they shared rooms with other people.)** when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **(Vampire is one word)**

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

I put on my clothes all huffily **(Huffily?)** and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **(If you had time to change why didn't he?)**He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(I would love to be in the class right now.)\**

An: thank was painful! Thanks again to Kyarra Iyono and Guessst for the reviews. My sister is getting married and I have to make sure she doesn't mess up and ruin the whole thing, so I couldn't write.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing**(?)** ok! if u do de prep!

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(I really won't to be in that class right now.)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**(How do you scream sadly?)**

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly** (I'm so done with this story.)**. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on** (What is it with people in this story and flipping their hair and then opning their eyes?)**. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it.**(Why does everyone's parents die?)** She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed **(I bet)**. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger **(Let's all fuck up the plot line some more.)**. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **(I don't think that's how it works)**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" **(Personly I don't think he would say that when there are naked people in his classroom.) **Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.**(So done.)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.** (Wait he cheated on you? Don't you mean Draco cheated on you with "Vampire")**

Everyone gasped. **(And I face palm)**

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **(View point change?)**I had went** (gone)** out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)**(I chare because?)** for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **(That's pretty obvious.) **

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed **(So you ran in there wanting an expiation and then told him to fuck off when he gives you one? WTF)**. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **(giggles) **to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.**(OOOOOOkay)**


	9. Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox** (Then why are you writing a fanfiction about it!)**! dis is frum da movie **(Does anyone see any plot from the movies?)**ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!**(The was like four chapters ago. Are you really still going on about that!)** and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX**(Wow)**

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. **(Poor tree)**

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes **(Forgive me if I'm wrong but I belive they are black) **and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose **(You said that sweet heart) **(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort! **(If you wanted people to be surprised you shouldn't have mentioned him before.)**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!"**(That's sorta right.)** and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!"**(you can't move! Plus that's a cat.)** I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of **(off) **his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. **(You could killed Voldemort and you didn't. WTF.)**

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"**(Don Don DON)**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair **(Hair can't be gothic)** and how his face looks just like Joel Madden** (Sigh)**. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **(She came to a reasonable conculcation!) **

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun **(A gun, Really. Your frickin Wizards every heard of Avada kedavra?)**. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **(No not Draco!)**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way. **(Face palm)**

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face **(I know that look well my friends.)**. "I hath telekinesis." **(Still doesn't explain how you know Draco and Ebony are whatever they are.)** he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. **(He can fly without a broom as stated in **_**Harry Potter and the Deathy Hallows.**_**)**

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. **(Did he not see Voldemort leave?)**

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)**(I hate you.)** between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. **(Now I hate my life)**

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered. **(You did just run into a classroom naked.)**

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. **(Do you expelling some where else.)**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **(That would be difficult.)**

**A/N: **Sorry for the long wait there were health problems and weddings and several funerals. That's all for now folks!


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